Competition

Growing up as a fat kid, I was like Emily V. Gordon because I saw myself as out of the competition. I also befriended boys and was a tomboy. However, that was when I was in elementary and sixth grade. Once middle school really started, the boys became too separate from the girls. I had to find a girl group.  I switched around quite a bit, but never because someone felt threatened by me. Even when I lost my baby weight, I always was going to be bigger and, in my mind. therefore never able to compete. So I didn’t-- and even more now do not-- for the most part. A little gossip here or there, but even I get annoyed at myself when I occasionally justify an ill-picked outfit or unfavorable tone of a girl my friends were talking about: “maybe she just had a bad day."

I’ve spent many years trying to be under the radar. I felt so out of the competition I feared it. Now that I think about it, this lack of experience with competition makes me feel a little ill-equipped. What if I really want something over someone else? How will I claim what I want?